For the last 24 hours or so, I have been living in deja vu. My consciousness is sheathed by the memories of yesteryear. My emotions aren’t clear because I am having this feeling of melancholy fill me again. I don’t mean melancholy exactly, but the memory of the feeling I had in college 10 years ago, going through a melancholy state. that memory is trying to attach itself to this moment to better bring me down. My mind is trying to go there, but my brain isn’t playing along into the physiological temptation. So while there is a depressing thought trying to attach itself to a delicate memory, he is running from cell to cell warning of impending invasions of sadness, no one is paying the late night rider any attention.
its all about a fight with good friend. i can’t talk to her right now because talks don’t help our friendship in the way i want it to be helped. its complicated, but the part that is getting me down is clear and evident truth that its hard to be friends with a girl. this isn’t because people are attracted to each other. sex doesn’t equate or negate friendship. what people fail to acknowledge when talking about platonic friendships, is that men, unless they are gay or have a beta male personality, won’t be friends with a woman without feeling the need to establish some sort of dominance/gender role paradigm, if only to reassert their alpha male status. you’d think that it would be easy to befriend girls as long as you picked cool girls you weren’t extremely attracted to and respected (but somewhat attractive, for wing girl purposes). 10 years ago, i would have been one to naively argue that men and women can be friends, but now I feel they can’t really be the best of friends. until there comes a day when a guy can punch his best female friend in the fucking lips and still be friends, there will be no true paradigm to platonic friendships.
in my friendships with guys, i can be stubborn and ignore them and punch them and call them a bitch and know what it is. in my friendships with women, i hang around as this faction of my alpha male character, waiting in the wings to play designated dave or superhero listener guy in exchange for the same, which works well until you need to reassert your position as a fucking man. do not get me wrong – the wise lessons that i have learned from my women friend have helped me improve my life at least 25% in the last 25 years (gallop poll numbers bitch). i am what i am because great women took me under their guidance on things i couldn’t discuss with mom. i mean, could you say Ikea right without one? all the same, there comes a time when sitting and drinking wine and listening to the same bullshit story over and over becomes just plain gay and you just want to kill shit. its like, been there. done that. never going back.
the testosterone is flowing like lava. i could feel it last week after a work out. i got back to work just in time for a meeting, still filled with an adrenaline that i haven’t recognized for some time. it didn’t last long, but i could feel it’s mojo. i was in the meeting cracking jokes and using my big boy voice and basically walking with my dick in my hand, but you know, figuratively. to everyone else, i was just talking, but to me, it felt like i’d come from under my shell.
i carried that afternoon into a great weekend of steak eating and action movies. i was going hard all week. feeling like the tortoise that just beat the hare. all was well until i got a text from previously said friend asking me to apologize for grabbing her tits. don’t get me wrong they are nice tits, but i grab tits all the time and i definitely have grabbed her’s before. what pisses me off about it is the fact that she won’t acknowledge any of the bullshit she has done lately, and if I bring it up, i (am made to) feel more like a egoist/whiner/narcissistic for voicing my complaints (so instead, i just sit on my thumb and cry while i blog about it. boohoo). the truth is, i’m not being myself around her because i’m trying too hard to be a friend and biting my tongue instead of saying shut the fuck up early and often. that’s what i discovered in my few moments of alpha post workout and that’s what i am holding on to. i need to tell a lot of people to shut the fuck up. Sure there are other reasons that I am pissed at her and I definitely think she has a little bit of room to be angry (or a lot), but that’s neither here nor there. what matters is the revelation. i am too alpha to be close with a girl.
it saddens me because i look back and it seems that the friendship is manipulative. its not our faults. but now i see why other girls were always intimidated by my platonic friendships. a conversation between a man and a woman doesn’t prelude an intimate relationship. but many conversations do conclude an intimate relationship. that alone simulates a relationship we would normally associate with being sexual or monogamous, or at least not platonic (I know, duh right?). that is why man vs. female manipulates. its too close to real. you have to be conscious of this at all times in order to support the dynamic. when you are not, you start to create imaginary gender traits (like i did) that don’t exist outside of that dynamic. You can’t be a subordinate to one girl and a misogynist, asshole to the rest. It doesn’t work that way. You have to find a way to work the friendship within the roles that society has given and you have already adapted to. Anything else is false and designed to fail. We work with different hues and brushes and maybe those colors don’t work well on the same canvas unless one take the lead in the creation.