What do I blame her for? If she was homosexual, and looked the way she did, no one would forgive her. How could she be honest with anyone? Guys and girls would say she was a waste of beauty. She’d get an onslaught of callers. If the dyke community on campus received word that she joined their ranks, they’d stop at nothing to test her hole. And her friends would never forgive her, for hiding the most encompassing piece of who she is from everyone of them.
I went to her room the day before the semester ended. We planned to say goodbye and meet again in Tulsa that summer. It was our first time alone since Yvette shared the story a week or so before. I was ready to leave. I hadn’t told many people but I applied for a few other schools. I wasn’t sure if I was going to leave NSU for good, but I didn’t do as well in my second year, and once my English professor told me to consider a new major, I felt the need to consider a new school. I wanted to spend some quality time in Tulsa mulling it over, which means that I would obviously base my decision on the interactions with Alexandra that summer.
We sat on her bed and talked. We always slept or lay on her bed. The television was on but we never listened. She joked about nearly needing summer school before she reiterated her promise to see me in Tulsa. I listened to her words closely.
Then I interrupted her. “You know I’m thinking about going to Clark next year right? I got my acceptance letter yesterday.”
“What? Why are you trying to leave me here by myself? And you know I want to move to Atlanta.”
“I don’t really want to come back here. You can come with me.”
“That’s bullshit. Why you just now telling me? You wasn’t gonna tell me at all huh? I know you. I can’t believe you would disappear on me.”
“What do you mean disappear? I’ll see you this summer. You’re always so needy. I’m not even gone yet.”
“I have to tell somebody about my problems”, she said. “Who else can I trust?”
“Alex, I am sure you will find a boy willing to listen to your bullshit. It just ain’t me.”
“That’s a really mean thing to say. What did I do to you?”, she said as she jumped to her feet and moved away to the furthest corner of the room.”
“Nothing. I’m sorry. Just stop playing the victim.”
“I am the victim. Jason is cheating on me. Can you act like you care for a little at least?”
“What do you mean? I do care. I’m sorry to hear that. So what are you gonna do?”
“I broke up with him already.”
“You sound sure this time,” I snapped.
“Are you really gonna be like that? After all we’ve been through?”
“Alex, I have to ask you something and I don’t know how to say it. But I think there is a reason you have two month relationships and break up.”
“Yeah because guys are assholes.”
“I might let you have that argument if I didn’t know Antonio, but since I do, I need more.”
“What do you mean you need more?”
“I mean, you always blame me for us never having anything more. And you blame Mariah-
“I don’t blame-
“Wait let me finish. You blame Mariah for ruining me but I got an STD check right after and I’m clean so that can never be it. You played with my dick but never did more, never took it one step further. It doesn’t make sense. Is it because you are gay?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean did Yvette really come on to you, or did you come on to her? I don’t know why you are surprised I’m asking. Is that why you hated when I told you about her?”
“That’s dumb. I can’t believe you’d ask me that. I was just dumped and you’re asking me if I am gay? Yes, its clear we have no idea who each other are.”
“I’m sorry for asking, but it doesn’t make sense. You can have anyone you want. Why is it so hard for you to keep a boyfriend?”
“Because none of them compare to you Ryan. Is that what you want to hear? I don’t know what to say.”
And we didn’t say anything. She plopped down beside me again. We just sat in silence for a few minutes. It could have been an eternity. It felt like the end.