(This is a repost from years ago: http://sexdrugsmoney.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/two-thoughts-one-post/)
Two Thoughts, One Post
Commitment and Baby Mamas. I’ll connect them before I’m done. Walk with me for a few.
When I was a kid growing up in Chicago, the black family was all I knew. I mean stereotypical Black upbringing like Soul Food mixed with Family Matters but hood. I wasn’t Urkel by the way. Already I digress. Growing up in a tight knit family, I never thought deeply about the other dynamics until I got older. By the time I’d taken a few black history classes educating me on the matriarchal pattern (that Black families historically split into single mom households because of long standing themes in African culture, where villages are ran and maintained by the woman, no the man, who is simply provider and hunter.) that existed in my own family, my expectations for family were exhausted already. I don’t remember any marriages in my family until my father remarried when I was in the 3rd Grade. That same year, my uncle and aunt were married as well. I remember the unions, but more burned into my brain, is the dissolving of these same marriages. My aunts marriage fell apart because of sickness and health. One person got sick and the other felt as if they gave up on living, and in turn the family. Before the divorce, they had two kids and just over 10 years behind them. My uncle married his on again and off again girlfriend. They were past the age where you want to have kids (his wife had two kids already) and their union looked to be a financial move on the outside. I remember meeting my uncle’s wife in 1992. They divorced around 2003 for the same financial reasons. My father’s divorce was the hardest for me to witness because I couldn’t pin point exactly what the error was. Money was okay because they just bought a fixer upper, but the stress of not fixing the fixer upper and my dads possible transgressions might’ve led to the divorce just as much as my stepmother being a fucking moron. The marriage survived my first born sister and my baby brother. The entire relationship lasted nearly 15 years. I never thought that this union was any more special than the others, but I did think it was cute when they would kiss each other goodbye and hello even after the worst arguments. I’m going to steal that move from my dad when I get married, and maybe I’ll be lucky enough to make it 15 years as well. It just doesn’t seem like marriage is even worth it. I don’t see the emotional worth, the financial worth, or even the physical worth of being married when there are so many more risks and pitfalls. I often wonder if my inability to fall in love is a result of this block I’ve built against commitments.
Don’t misinterpret this- I am not a cheater. This ain’t a confession. Its not that kind of post. But seriously, if marriages are this tested what the fuck am I working for?
I actually believe that maybe one life partner is not reasonable. After all people die. So why train myself to look for one person? I need to start replacing the words soul mate with soul type, because there is no way you’re gonna find that one. I guess the romantic in me just lost hope. Though my heart still flutters and I have the occasional fling or valentine, I think there’s too much evidence to the contrary. How many people do you know that were married vs. how many are still married? After all if we stop pretending were are nothing like animals, its easier to understand the limitations of monogamy. I hear lobster’s are monogamous. I know gorillas aren’t. Neither are dogs. When I do it, I do it doggie style or like wild apes, so why would my philosophy on sex not correlate as well? See what CNN says on it: click here
How about this? Ryan and Reese? Russell and Kimora/ Bobby and Whitney? Kind of hard to fine a common denominator except for irreconcilable differences.
There’s my catch-22 or current predicament. Help me with insight if you can. I find it hard to settle into relationships because I am always one foot out the door. Its not that I am afraid to commit; I am afraid to divorce. I have this fear (based on expert testimonials and field research) that I will meet the perfect girl. I will court her. She will fall in love and I will love her the same. I won’t want or need anything else but her and she will be my everything. The day after the honeymoon it all ends. She goes straight Robin Givens on me with mom in law and the mix and everything. Within the first year we are in counseling and within the second year we are separated. Problem is we had a baby or two and I am stuck to her for life. And she is that kind of baby mama. What kind? This kind-
(no offense to Tia, cuz her baby daddy don’t really care. She so precious with the peer pressure. Couldn’t afford a car so she named her daughter Alexis). This fear, this nightmare, weighs on me when I lay in bed or when I think of telling some girl I love them. And to avoid living with the fear I inevitably leave the relationship because I don’t want to suffer or settle and I could never cheat, unlike my nigga P. Diddy, who shares some of the same fears but handles his with less discipline and I quote “A couple years ago, my psychologist came to the conclusion that this is one of the big problems I have as far as maturing in a relationship,” Diddy explained in an interview. “After my father got killed, my mother said, ‘I’m never getting married again. I don’t want men around my children.’ So I’ve never actually been able to witness a husband and wife’s love. Sometimes when I see it with my friends, I just find myself staring like a child, because I’ve never actually seen it before. It’s one of the sad parts of my life. When a relationship gets to a certain point, I probably get scared and become a little self-destructive. [If caught cheating,] cry. It might not work, but it at least shows that you care. Godd*mn, this is a deep interview. You didn’t ask Will Smith none of this sh*t! Yeah, it hurts me. One of my weaknesses is that I actually have a conscience.” (ELLE Magazine).
So when its all said and done, I am hoping that somebody comes and knocks me off my feet. I would love to meet someone I’m willing to grow with. I gotta start changing my way of thinking when I am dating girls though. Enough of asking myself “Is she the one?” Seems the only way to answer that is to live and love. And maybe you’ll wake up lying HAPPILY in the arms of a soul type person on the morning of your silver or gold anniversary. To the hopeless romantics in the world who might read this. Cheers to you. Keep looking for that jigsaw piece in a puzzle full of 6 billion pieces. Heres a song to motivate you on your hunt.
p.s. I think I am going to add a new category called Izms for stuff just like this.