Ryan’s True hollywood stories (with sex and stuff)
a lot of the times when i see someone here from the ol school the first thing they say is where i been. i hate that shit. it makes me think about abandonment issues and shit. but i digress. for all those people who see me every few years and i’m suddenly three inches taller, heres a decade long log of some of the things i’ve done lately.
10. June 1998- After much deliberation, i got my ear pierced on both sides in a Tulsa Mall. I rode my bike about 40 blocks from my grandmoms apartment. Once when i was young andfirst moved to Tulsa i rode my bike with Eric and some other kids through drain pipes from my house by the airport all the way to eastland mall. The dudes mom ate dirt and that was weird, but the fact that he knew how to navigate drain pipes was cool as shit even though we’d come out covered in spider webs and mud. I was feeling nostalgic the night of the earpiercing and decided i could find my way back. I left the mall about 5, and found the entry that was the exit pipe nearest the mall. I got that funny feeling i get but i said fuck it and decided to go for it. Thrill seeker. I soon realized that 5 years later i was 50 pounds bigger and the pipe hadn’t grown. Not that i couldn’t fit but there no stand up action. I got rained on and everything. Worse of all, when i got home i didn’t clean up right and caught an ear infection or something keloid-ish on my lobes.
9. October 1999- Rolling round bunk ass Tulsa listening to Outkast and shit with Kentt and big head Leon. CWade was in his whip. I think he was drunk. He hopped out his whip at a QT or something and ran and slapped his bare ass all over Leon’s 626, doing his best Tom Green impression. And you know how Fowler is with his shit, so he steps on the gas. He roll over Craigs leg by taking his ankle under the wheel. Then before he could think he puts the car in reverse and backs over Craig’s ankle again. Leon looked at me like what the fuck just happening and i’m watching CWade limp back to his car like a paralyzed animal on the Discovery channel. I bet he cried when he got back in his car.
8. May 2000, September 2000- Cancun- Say no more….
7. Septmeber 2001- Still at the snu i mean nsu. Was a bit bored one day and decided to pick a fight. Don’t judge, it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. Was in the gym heckling this brolic gorilla ass guy name Gil. He was about 6’4 and 250, so i had him on the reach. I figured i got him. Gil had a speech accent because he was from the Islands. I relatively respected him but he acted kind of like a bitch one time when i was talking to his girl at a game. So i’m talking noise and next game i get in and work Gil over. He get dirty throwing bows, and i’m keep talking shit and throwing his shots across the gym. One rip up the court he gets a little too close and trips over my leg. Seriously. But he didn’t take it that way and gets up. I remember hes going off in his Mike Tyson voice, but cant get a hit in because everybody is holding everybody back. When i leave to go out the gym, he sucker punches me and breaks my fucking nose. That wasn’t even part of the plan.
6. March 2002- I’m deejaying at my bunk ass club in The Quah and shit is going good. The first weekend is behind us (the fucking speakers blew a fuse because one of the white boys i worked with liked too much bass) and shit is finally doing what it do. Some niggas from the town come through the spot and i admit i’m getting gassed, like “Tulsa coming out here with no promotion.” i chop it up with them and show them back to campus so they can cop some grams and be gone. I’m off from drinking and working the wheels so i’m slipping. I’m paranoid they trying to get the tables so i leave them in Dean’s truck. I don’t notice that after i serve them they still riding the ‘vator to the top floor. Its only one other black dude on my side and i’m still not awoke to whats about to happen. As soon as i open my door they slide back down the hall like a running back in motion then hit my room like its the goal line. One of them threw a pistol to my head and hit my eye. It didnt lump i’m still pretty. The other went thru and snatched some cash and the goods. He was out and his man with the gun was still trying to pin me down so i couldn’t see his face. he threw the butt a few more times but then he let one off. when he did that i heard the gun jam and break into pieces. the bullet had not hit me clean and i was fighting for my life now. he ran down the stairwell and into his guys whip and they were off the backstreet. i went to the hospital. Next semester i transferred. my good guy image was dead.
5. September 2003- Kentt moves to Cashville. JB is still broke and i’m stil being investigated by the feds. I take a mini violation and go about 100 miles out of state to Birmingham for the Magic City Classic, but spend most of my time on the beautful campus of Samford. We meet some of DWeezeys people and go to their apartment off campus. After the first round of drinks are gone and we all decide to make it a party, some of us, Kentt and Dwayne included go out with a few girls to get the hard stuff, and some girls go get beers and mixers. I stay back because i sensed a sort of vibe with one of the girls there, and i was already drunk as fuck anyway. Me and the young lady groove solo to the music for about half a song before i take her to the bedroom and get it on the floor. the window blinds are open and the moonlight is shining in. turns out we weren’t alone, one of the girls didn’t leave the balcony and was outside smoking until we interrupted with our fuck scene. it was her bedroom. the girl i’d rammed my penis in was like her little sister and it upset her more that we did it raw. i was a bad boy. the icin on the cake is that while i was at the aparment causing hell, Kentt was out in the streets crashing this girls truck into the back of another girls car. The damage was only evident on the other car so my one night stand didnt even know. Dwayne told me that Kentt smooth talked his way out of the situation with the other driver.
4. September 2004- At the Atlanta classic for the first time, i leave at halftime after the show with my cuzzo and my partners from GunRule Michigan. Since we don’t know the city we do what tourist do, we hit up Lenox and Peachtree and 112. When we get to 112 for the last night around like 4 am we see Killah Mike coming out the club with two of the baddest ones under each arm. I forget what i said to him, but it was something in the vein of The Mack or Superfly. He stops and chops it up with me for a quick second. i think i said something about copping a braves jersey and where to get a decent massage from before i left. he left with no autographs asked. we sat in 112 to round out the last night. one of killahs girls came back in and right up to me and whispers the nastiest things i have ever heard. i buy her a drink. the other details aren’t as important. i think i been a little too conceited since then, but if you’d been there youd know.
3. June 2005- School not cracking. I’d been listening to College Dropout way too much. I left for LA and spent the summer in Culver City living by Fox Hills Mall. I auditioned for movie roles and commercials. If i got a job i was going to take the money and use it on acting classes. I went to Watts more than i should’ve though and the closest thing i got to a role was an agent saying i’d be good for a basketball movie (Glory Road) but never getting any action on it. Decided my passion wasn’t in acting. It was just enough time to enroll for school.
2. May 2006- Whats that saying about lying in the bed that you make. My petty years slowed my progress to my degree, but i finally made it through the brainwashing. I had a quiz in professor Chatmans the same day i got out of jail for something or another. I think i got into a fight with the bouncers at a club or something. Whats the rule on how old you can be before you have to stop fighting. I didn’t have time to sleep or shower or study, but i walked in and passed the test. It should’ve been easy since this was my second time in the class anyway. But nothing is every easy in Chatmans Physiology. He talks so much he confuses you on whats important and whats not. I could’ve aced it if i was interested in it, but a B was more than enough. When i left class i wasn’t even sure if i had passed or not. I had a surprise in the parking lot that took my mind from worrying about it though. My girlfriend Brennan was waiting to take me to lunch. We did something in the car by Preston Homes first. Its the little things like this that count the most. A few of my classmates said they saw me, but i wouldn’t have cared if it was the world.
1. October 2007- I went ballistic on my job site because my boss kept blowing my high asking stupid questions. Really abstract questions and only when i’m high. He used to be cool but he was bothering me because i was 3 or 4 minutes late here and there. I knew i wouldn’t be fired though. I was sure of that. But i knew i’d have to keep my attitude in check if i didn’t want to give him real ammunition to fire me. They have this stupid Chinese gong that they ring every now and then so one day i was feeling rather rebellous so i started banging it like a retard. I worked in a pretty big building with 750 people soon complaining about the idiot gong drummer. i didn’t stop for three minutes. when i did it was only because the GM of the company asked me to. We talked about some stuff. Never did i feel my job was threatened. He promoted me and put in a transfer i’d requested three months before. I was headed to Dallas.
The Story 2008 – Coming New Years!