lastly….

when i was in high school, one of my best friends was heartbRoken by a girl called Tony. She cheated with some upper classman from some school on the other side of town. I am not sure how he found out or how he reacted wHen he did, but whenever I asked him why he was such an asshole with some of his girlfriends he blamed her. Even though he’s exPerienced a few more breakups, some worse than that one, he Still remembers that one and still attributes all his flaws in relationships to the broken trust in that one. I never could imagine how someone could have such a lasting power or affect over a person. I see how how it happens Though. There is a Mountain of regret in the waY, but just over the hill is apathy and hate and jealousy and loneliness and doubt and then more regret.  If you wAnt to emasculate a man and send him on a never ending quest to fiNd and reown his penis, just break his heart.  Let him stack his manhood high on the balancing beam and lose it all on the ante, and see if it doesn’t harden his soul.  We do not easily fight against our emotions. We learn to master them or surrender to the fear. We master our Anger. Doubt. Joy.  The more you can temper these emotions, the more of man you are, right? The other emotions we try to master, but can’t. We surrender to them. Fear. Vulnerability. Shame. Any feminine quality that would bring doubt to our manhood. Unlike the emotions we master, we run away from the situations that cause us to experience these emotions again. A man who is in control of his anger will have no problem putting himself in hostile environments. He’s tested

I will not surrender to my feelings and emotions. This is a test. I can’t hide behind them. I can’t run from them. Might as well master them all. I can’t keep feeling guilty for making somebody else feel bad. Can’t hold it against them for doing the same to me, even if I know they did it on purpose, with maliciousness. I won’t deny it- my insecurities are the reason I doubt her words. But I won’t act like she didn’t hurt me when she came back from Austin with a different mood about me. I could ponder what might have happened or what I could have done wrong, but its better to ask myself why I care. Might as well ask myself why and work through it. Might as well close that pothole before it turns into a pitfall.

I never blamed Tony for my friends mistakes. I blamed my partner for letting it happen. I used to tell him, don’t get to emotionally involved. Stay mental. I blamed him For not going after the baddest girl in the class to at least distract himself from the split. I keep looking at myself reminding myself of this need to distract myself and wondering why I ever let my emotions come into play. Was it love?   I am the only one who feels this way so why should I burden myself with something that doesn’t matter to anyone else in the world. Whatever it was, I can’t run from it.  Fate won’t have it. There is a beautiful ending awaiting and I know that I can master this thing called love before she comes to me. I am not afraid of these emotions. They can’t tear me apart. They can only make me a stronger me.  Yes, it hurts to be so open and honest with someone about how much you need them and care for them, but at the end of the day, its not all bad. I have never been so emptied, but I still got to listen to these bullshit tunes for a few more days, if only to keep from being angry about it. And on the inside, I am already laughing at myself. Sucker for love ass nigga. Yep, that’s me. Ryan Mega. Lifetime fighter, first time lover.

…..guess who’s bizzack………..

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