This morning I realized that I have a thousand assholes.
It dawned on me by surprise. After gaining soon to be lost insight from moment of reflection, I realized that I possess an opinion on everything. I ask myself why? Why do I feel the need to apply critical thinking, logic, and erudite commentary to the most miniscule of life’s experiences? I can’t tell exactly when, but I certainly remember the era in my life. I was a student at NSU in Tahlequah, OK. It was as boring as it sounds. I spent most of my time arguing the facts of life with other students that knew even less about real life than I did, in our bubbled worlds with downloadable music and online chat rooms. It was during this time, that I first began to read and review the scholars of our day, rummaging their quotes and quips for sound bytes of wisdom that I could spew when the opportunity to flex introduced itself. I am forever reminded of the words of Howard Zinn. You can’t be neutral on a moving train. From the moment I read those words to this mornings formerly mentioned epiphany, I have lived by the credo as if it were sewn on my family crest.
To have an opinion, you must know a little something about your subject. There can be a biased knowledge of the topic in question, but its gotta be some familiarity, even if this familiarity is false (more on that in a second). Of course, the more expert on a subject you are, the better. However, knowing little to nothing on a particular topic has never stopped me from instigating the debate. Great opinionators (something like an orator) such as myself learn the gifts of the gaffle early on. If I am a novice on a subject, I probe like an expert prosecutor, explaining my opinion at the same time that I discover yours. Some might call this person a bullshit artist, but there has always been a fine line between bullshit and a truly honest opinion.
No matter the title of the sportsmen, the competition is still the same. The great news is, this is a game with no losers. In the great heap of things, most of your opines won’t matter. Your audience is not reaching. Your opinion isn’t weighed heavily. Your realm of power doesn’t matter outside of your household and maybe the office. These are all good things. The lack of importance on your opinion means you can be as unabashedly honest and brutal as you deem necessary. But never argue. Wise men don’t argue with fools. Instead remain stubborn and defiant. You must hold to your opinion like a scared child holds its mothers leg on their first day of school.
Choose water over wine because it comes first alphabetically. Write a letter to the editors of GQ and tell them how faggy their magazine has become (Helvetica again?). Rank the sexiest white women ever with your blogmates and argue your choice of Tera Reid or else. Don’t like Oprah because she hasn’t created a Black spinoff yet. Buy #1 Pencils because they are #1. Who the fuck remembers #2 anyway? Have an opinion on everything. Tell your girl exactly how she looks in that dress. Do offer your two cents to that homeless man. Perhaps he will offer his two cents to you. One day, you’re gonna be old and senile. And no one is going to listen to you. Write your opinions and be so lucky to publish a book so you can have a conversation with a new generation. Let your opinions build tenfold and list them in chapters longer than the Bible.
And sign it with your name.