Minogynist Movie of the Moment: Sex and The City The Movie

 

 

Editors Note: This article was formerly titled Me and My Cock Review a Movie.  Hence the penis dialogue throughout.

(Editors Note:  Roger Ebert had Gene Siskel. Me, I’ve got my penis.  Before you pass judgement, do know, my penis is an asshole.  And like assholes, he has an opinion- one definitely worth reading.)

At what age do you stop believing in fairy tales?

Me and My Cock Review A Movie: Sex and The City The Movie

What is love?  Is it the end all be all?  Or is it just infatuation and trust wrapped in a Vera Wang gown?  That’s me doing my best Carrie Bradshaw impersonation.  Its funny to think that the makers of the Sex and The City movie were able to even pull off a 2 and 1/2 hour answer to the same question they asked over and over on the long running series, but sure enough, they did.  And I don’t have to check the stats to know it was a blockbuster.  Chicks dig love.  I dig chicks, so I sat down to watch the movie to check out some chicks, and see what keeps them going head over Manolo Blahnik shoes (I used to watch a few shows with my college girlfriend.  Don’t hate me because I’m unusual).

In Sex and The City the Movie, the entire gang is back.  There’s the protagonist for love, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), still employed at Vogue, still writing her column of sorts, though now it appears to be online, and still riding the ride that is  Mr. Big (Chris Noth) aka John Preston.  Who knew he had a real name all along?  Her gang is all there.  There’s Miranda, (Cynthia Nixon), the sharp tongued, auburn-headed lawyer.  Charlotte (Kristin Davis), the conservative, sweet one. And Samantha (Kim Cattrell) , the oversexed, over the hill best friend to them all.  They’ve even brought the extended cast along for the ride.  The The only person missing is Aiden (I heard he was in the one that came out this summer, so I guess he’s not dead).  Jennifer Hudson is up that ho too.

If you haven’t seen it yet, the story follows Carrie and Big as they, well she, plans the day she has been waiting for since she first started typing into her laptop nearly a decade ago, when little miss Carrie Bradshaw was just a girl in NY, searching for love in all the wrong places.  Now on the cusp of the second half of her life, she is settling down with the man of her dreams.  And she is doing it in style.  A Vivienne Green dress “ups the ante” on her wedding and what was supposed to be a simple business deal ends up being something so big, you’d think Chelsea Clinton was the star of the movie.  When the lights and fanfare become too much for Big, he has shaky feet, so he sits in the car, until he cancels the nuptials the morning of.  Not even the sight of his beloved on the steps of the New York Library can make his heart jump or his feet move.  Carrie breaks down and goes on a rampage, only to be restrained by her gal pals, and escorted away to Mexico for a little recovery, relaxation, and reflection.  But before all this happens, Miranda, the first of the girls to get married I think, splits from her husband Steve the Bartender (David Eigenberg) because of infidelity.  Meanwhile Samantha and her Hollywood boy toy are having issues because he is overshadowing her she and she just can’t take being domesticated in L.A, because after all, she’s a classy, NY kind of slut.  Charlotte is so happy she adopts a little Chinese baby, but can’t help but wonder, when is her heart going to broken as well.  The girls return from Mexico and Carrie tries to go about her life the best she can, but can’t manage to do it alone.  In comes her fairy love mother, Saint Louise aka Louise (Hudson) who is more kindred spirit then Kissey the slave girl.  Saint Louise is new to NY, by way of – wait for it – Saint Louis, and she is looking for love (and nice handbags to rent)  because she too has just been devastated by the man she loves.  Unlike Carrie, whose heart has been stepped on more than bad coke, she isn’t giving up on love.  And in her spirit, Carrie finds the strength to give love another try (Isn’t it funny how in the movies, Black people always find a way to inspire white people for some reason or another – Legend of Bagger Vance anyone?  Driving Miss Daisy? No?  How about Shawshank Redemption).  Through their bonding and their friendship, Carrie learns to forgive, and to love for the sake of love itself. A pregnant Charlotte bumps into Big in a restaurant some months later, and her water breaks because she gets so mad.  A ride to the hospital and a baby later, Carrie learns that Big has been writing her (though she didn’t get the emails because Jennifer Hudson moved them to another, password protected folder in her inbox) and questions if she could get back with him.   Big, a man of few words, uses the love letters of the most romantic men in history to apologize and ask Carrie for forgiveness.  In the end, he proposes the proper way (by putting a pair of $500.00 shoes on her feet.  Fuck a ring.) and they get married in City Hall.  The End.

When you sum it all up, the plot unfolds as expected. As expected its Carrie’s friends who infect her mind and get her distracted from the real reason for the occasion.  Ironically, its Mr. Big who can’t stand the idea of a huge, media driven wedding, and gets cold feet.  Saint Louise gets the credit for restoring Carrie’s faith in love, but the true hero, the true reason that Carrie forgives big isn’t Louise, or her gal pals, its Miranda’s husband Steve.

Picture a world where everything is perfect.  Now take out all the good sex and throw in some adultery.  What you have left is the marriage of Miranda and Steve.  Its on its last leg, and unless they give it a honest chance, their union is ending in divorce.  In one corner, you have the evil, ginger Miranda (eds. note: all red heads are gingers. all gingers are evil.  like that gardener / custodian from the Simpsons), who has been working long hours, dealing with a toddler, and sick mom in law, so she has not made time to relax, eat, or at least get a good fuck on.  In the other corner, is her husband Steve, the loveable loser, bartender who was lucky enough to skeet skeet skeet inside of a intelligent and money hungry attorney, but stupid enough to tell his wife he cheated.  Miranda is so distraught by the news that she immediately separates with no intentions of resolving their marriage.  Steve’s begging her to remember the other vows they’ve taken.  Whether or not you side with Steve or Miranda has a lot to do with you and your opinions on love.  Is it everlasting, to be cherished and held above anything?  Does trust matter more than love in marriage?  And when is the right time to tell your wife you’ve cheated on her?

I’m not married so I won’t paint myself into a corner of lies based on no experience, but I do know that there are a lot worse things than cheating, like letting your pubic hair grow so thick it looks like a red headed hula skirt wrapped around your waist, or not telling your bestie that you cursed her marriage at the rehearsal dinner, so its hard for me to accept Miranda’s coldness to Steve.  It makes it clear to me that though most women say they want love, some still want broken hearts even more.  The same goes for Carrie.  If she hadn’t scorned Big’s emails to disappear in cyberspace, then she would have long forgiven him.  It took nearly a year and a Valentines from hell to convince her to give him a second chance.

If you label the person, you lose sight of their soul Carrie says.  The moment people start turning into husband and wife, bride and groom, they no longer live by the morals and values that were made in their relationship.  Those rules are thrown out for some playbook that no one seems to understand, so many people are getting the game wrong.  Who knows what to do with a cheating husband?  Who knows what to do with a sexless marriage?  What do you do when the love for your partner starts to take away from the love of yourself?   Why can’t we be happy in love without fearing that something bad is going to happen?  These are the questions that many are confronted with and quite possibly the reason that the majority of the marriages that do end in divorce end up disintegrating.  It seems the problem is that too many people have showed us how to split up, how to get half, the house, and the kids and how to make an enemy of our soul mate, and few people are writing about how to stay in love, through richer and poorer, through sickness and health, in good times and bad times, and yes, even when we are hurt by the one who we love the most.

While my heart was open from the movie ( I cried when the password was Love), my cock was left unfulfilled.  You’d think that they could have done a better job of providing T and A.  After all it is called Sex and the City.  The lack of sex in the movie sort of disappointed me.  I’d expected to see more lady ass.  Unfortunately, the ass on screen is man ass, and that sucks to look at.  There are many opportunities to get it right though.  Samantha does look great stretched out on a table with Sushi on her naked body, but the Sushi roles are covering her nipples so you just don’t get the tingle the way you need to.  There’s a shot of Miranda’s tits as she does Steve after their reunion, but I hate red nipples so I try to move the blood flow to penis telekenetically but the shot is too fast for my mind and not worth rewinding.  There is a prime opportunity to show us some Charlotte butt for once in a blue moon, when she takes a shower outside their villa in Mexico, but they decide to have her poop on herself instead (she drinks dirty water while showering — though the dirty Mexican jokes are getting old. )  Jennifer Hudson adds some flavor to the movie, but its fat Jen, so her hips still take away attention from her big tits.  Though the movie lacks T&A, there’s still some parts that could’ve been seasoned with gratuitous nudity.

Best Hips: Charlotte.

Has great handlebars.  Wears dresses that make you want to hit it from the back.  I bet I can get her pregnant every time.

Best Legs: Carrie.

They are tiny as shit, but nobody rocks a heel like Bradshaw.  She’s got legs like a woman half her age.  Me thinks she can ride the cock nice.

Best tits:  Samantha.

For a pair of 50 year old knockers, they sit up pretty nice.  Yeah they aren’t huge, but they fit just right.

Best Ass:

No Winner.  No great ass shots at all.

Best Face: Brown haired Carrie.

Because its a pleasant departure from the norm.  Although I’d fuck every one of their faces no problems at all.

The movie is perfect for a date night.  The only problem is that its so sentimental you probably won’t be getting sex when its over.  You’ll end up debating about love.  Thats okay by me.  I give it 2/4 stars.

As for my cock, he didn’t enjoy it at all.  0/4 boners.

— Ryan Mega

follow @ryanmega

http://www.sexdrugsmoney.com

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2 thoughts on “Minogynist Movie of the Moment: Sex and The City The Movie

  1. Pingback: Me and My Cock Review A Movie: Sex and The City The Movie (via How To Be A Gangster) « SexDrugsMoney

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