Hell (Happy New Year)

Hell is when you die and meet the person you could’ve been or something like that. I’m mulling this one a lot lately.

If you can’t live with regrets like me, then you might dig this. And it’s scary. I’m about 40 years old, and with some of the idiocy I’ve shared here, my maturity dissuades the calcium rings in my limbs. But if you see me clearly you understand this journal is an open dialogue and self criticism of my ego as I matured into manhood. And nothing is more honest and open than admitting this site was and is a half assed means to salvage a squandered life by speaking the wisest truths to any soul listening to my whispers and marking their steps by my wayward footprints.

If I had no regrets I wouldn’t be who I am but would I also be a better man? I know I have more time and I hope I have as many years ahead as I do behind me but the truth is I’m closer to death than I want to admit. I’m doing my best to take this thought seriously and use it to redirect myself to healthier activities. But what if it’s too late? What if I can’t fix the smoking that I did daily from 25-38 or weekly from 16-23? I stopped playing basketball daily when I was 23 and gave in to drinking daily about 10 years ago. Even if I fix all of the dumb money moves, I still have health and honestly just thinking about how far behind the ball I am at 40 is discouraging.

Why am I growing into a grumpy old man? I’ve always been a negative person. Some people say that like it’s a bad thing but I don’t let it get me down if people can’t verbally express what it means to be discontent with societal norms. I understand the ying and yang of the whole thing so fake happy isn’t normal and to me takes away from true life. But undoubtedly and unfortunately this demeanor turns other people off.

I’ve never really have a fuck until now. Now that I’m old and I see death closer I see it’s going to be harder to control how I go out. I could waste another 500 words talking regrets but it’s not about showing scars. This is simply acknowledging scars will kill your future in every way, so the longer it takes to heal the scars the shorter your ideal future can be. Don’t dwell on the depression. Don’t dwell on mistakes or the past. Tomorrow is what matters. Tomorrow begins today.

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